Something Funny

We are OK to GO!

A Choose Your Own Horoscope™ Adventure

ARIES March 20  – April 19: Aries, with cautious Saturn moving into your tenth house of Wise Investments maybe this is a good time to start setting money aside for a rainy day. Meanwhile, is there something more than friendship hiding behind a certain Sagittarius’ twinkling eyes? If you want to throw caution to the wind with reckless Sagittarius go to SAGITTARIUS, if you would prefer to play it safe proceed to LEO.

TAURUS April 20  – May 19: Hey, look who’s at the bar! It’s your crazy Taurus buddy. Wow, he’s already loaded. It’s not like he’s a Pisces or anything, but still, you worry about him sometimes. And what do we have here? Is that a seductive Virgo making eyes at you from across the bar? After 20 minutes of intense, nay, smoldering eye contact you watch her saunter into the bathroom and cast one volcanic come hither look over her shoulder. She can’t possible mean  . . .? Really? In a bathroom? That can’t be sanitary . . . Hey, you’re the one who decided to throw caution to the wind. Go to SCORPIO or if maybe you think it’s a good time to call it a night, go to GEMINI.

GEMINI May 20  – June 19: You look at your watch. Why is it always 11:30 so soon? And still a fifteen minute walk home. If you had your shit together you could catch a cab, but you just blew or guzzled all your cab fare home depending on which narrative fragment you got here from. AND you didn’t get your laundry done tonight. You’re fine on pants, but you’re out of socks, you’ll either have to wear a white one with a navy one or wear the ones from today again tomorrow, but they’re always so sticky on the second day and it puts you in a bad mood. Christ, wasn’t this gonna be the year you finally got your shit together and didn’t have to wear dirty socks and stopped getting hit with late fees on your credit cards? What happened to all those resolutions you made? You really need to start making lists. Dammit, that was one of your resolutions! Hey, waitaminute! What’s that there on the street? Why, it’s, IT IS! It’s a twenty dollar bill!! You just found a twenty just lying in the middle of the road. See, everything always works out for the best in  – THE END.

CANCER June 20  – July 19:  20 minutes into the walk back you are picked up by a nun driving a school bus full of orphans. Thank God for Cancers, so reliable. If you can’t find someone to pick you up at the airport, next time try a Cancer. Anyway, You reflect on the days’ events, what a waste of  PTO and what is it with Sagittariuses? Sagittarii? Who cares, you’re sticking with water signs from now on. You weigh your options and consider what to do next, renting a flick or hitting the bars . . . Quiet evening at home go to VIRGO. Next in a series of bad decisions go to TAURUS.

LEO July 20  – Aug 19:Ah! A quiet evening at home. You order some take-out and fall asleep contentedly on the couch. Sadly, however, you never wake up. The coroners report says you died of a very benign boredom. Your ghost upon hearing this, nods in assent. Well, yes, that’s a great way to go. Your funeral service is moving but you do notice several people stifling yawns. Really? Why couldn’t you have been a little more like bold, assertive Leo, no one yawns at a Leo’s funeral, that’s for sure. Oh well . . . If you believe in Reincarnation, go back to ARIES otherwise this is – THE END.

VIRGO Aug 20  – Sept 19: Blockbuster or that weird one that’s owned by that South African couple that’s a little like an automat? You know, you don’t see automats anymore. Although it was kind of creepy seeing those disembodied hands shuffling the food around anyway. Not that you’re all Virgo about people touching your food, it’s just weird is all . . . Blockbuster go to AQUARIUS or Automat go to PISCES.

LIBRA Sept 20  – Oct 19: Sag smiles their crooked grin and you’re off. The mine turns out to be easier to find than you’d thought and due to a translational error it’s not gold bullion at all but the fabled Scorpio diamond, so named because for its powers to erotically fascinate while being emotionally controlling and manipulative. And did we mention secretive? Probably because the crystal (did I say diamond before? It’s both, it’s the Gemini crystal with a Scorpio diamond rising) was left here by a race of aliens. It powers a flying saucer buried deep within the mine, which you pilot to new and exciting adventures. Or you wake up the next day and it was all a dream, take your pick – THE END.

SCORPIO Oct 20  – Nov 19: It’s a man. And a scorpio. Now you have herpes – THE END.

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SAGITTARIUS Nov 20  – Dec 19: Sagittarius comes over to your cube and plops a treasure map down on your desk. “Won this in a high stakes game of Texas Hold ‘Em with Ernie down in the mailroom. Pocket rockets, baby!! According to this map there’s half a million in gold bullion buried in the Old Futterman mine. 45 minutes by Jeep,” Sag says with a devilish  gleam in their eyes, “you in?” The map looks slightly pixellated, like it was downloaded from the internet or something and you’ve already used one break today on a quick trip to the vending machine . . . If you shout “ROAD TRIP!” go to CAPRICORN, if you’re reconsidering that quiet evening at home, go to LEO. 

CAPRICORN Dec 20  – Jan 19: Was there something a little fishy about that Capricorn you rented the jeep from? The way he kept eyeing you so suspiciously when you said you were heading up Old Mill Road to the Futterman place . . . and Capricorns are so rarely suspicious of anything, they’ll eat sushi off a warm plate. Fifteen minutes later when the jeep sputters and stalls you’re not surprised. The brake lines, they’re cut! AND the map is missing! “I thought it was here in the bag with the PB&J’s,” Yeah, right next to the GPS you can trust a “Let’s be spontaneous!” Sag not to have . . . If you decide to be a sport and say “Aw, c’mon, can’t be much farther to the mine now, and at least we have sammiches” go to LIBRA or it’s not too late to follow the jeep tracks back to civilization, go to CANCER.

AQUARIUS Jan 20  – Feb 19: You can tell from the pony tail the video store clerk has to be an Aquarius so you skip the bad movie suggestion and obligatory Chuck Norris joke and proceed instead to the foreign film section to impress some Libras you see standing around. You wait for the place to clear out a little bit before you slip into the “back room” (Damn your cheapskate roommate for only having dial-up). You purchase your rental without making eye contact and on your way home you pass the bar you were thinking of hitting . . . what the hell, it’s a Tuesday! go to TAURUS or if you’re really itching to get into “Double Ass Attack 2: Always Bet on Ass!” go to GEMINI

PISCES Feb 20  – March 19: Huh! They’ve been closed for, like, months. Probably all those jerks that go to Blockbuster. Yeah well, Netflix’ll put ‘em all out of business soon enough. Wow, look at the time! Go to GEMINI.